Thursday, June 28, 2007

Junk Food Junkies: A New Fix



Last night I was yearning for some junk food. In particular, ice cream and potato chips. I walked to the local convenience store, and headed to the ice cream freezer. I saw Ben and Jerry's, usually my first choice, but didn't feel like going into that sugar coma. I saw Klondike bars, but not just any Klondike bars: they were Triple Chocolate. They were shaped the same square shape as the regular Klondike bar only they had chocolate-colored wrappers. I grabbed two: one for me and one for my junk food loving friend.
   I went over my friend's place with the ice cream. I unwrapped it and took a bite. OH. MY. GOD!!! My eyes rolled back into my head, or at least it felt like they did. This was so good, it was almost as good as you-know-what (at least what I can remember about that). I had an out of body experience. This was so good I wanted to smoke a cigarette afterwards, and I don't even smoke. I wanted to turn to my friend afterwards, who was also in this state of bliss, and say, "was it good for you?". I had to suppress moans. I wanted to buy a bucket load of these Klondike bars and give them to people doing heroin or crack or crystal meth or booze and I know for certain they would give up those things forever. For about an hour afterwards I had an afterglow of euphoria. I think I heard angels. Or maybe I was still moaning.

The ice cream had milk chocolate, white chocolate and dark chocolate sections. The top was coated with chocolate syrup. And the whole thing was covered with chocolate. Now, I've had all kinds of chocolate stuff and tried tons of ice cream flavors. This was the best of both I ever had. If I were on death row and had one last meal, I would ask for two of these. And I wouldn't share.

I believe we could achieve world peace with these. Attach little parachutes and drop them (quickly, so they don't melt too fast) over Iraq. People would put their guns down and take off their suicide belts and dance in the streets after eating these. They would embrace each other, Sunnis and Shiites and all the other groups I can't spell, and weep with joy.

I urge everyone: stop what you are doing and buy these. Bus drivers, pull over in front of a supermarket and bring your passengers in and buy these. Surgeons: put the scalpels down and buy these (sew up your patients first, please, and bring them with you, too). One request: just don't buy these in Nashua, NH. They're all mine.

Oh, and I also bought potato chips.

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