Friday, September 30, 2016

17 Irrational Fears I Have

Woman looking horrified

Common fears exist throughout the world: fear of spiders (arachnophobia), fear of the dark (nyctophobia), and fear of being unable to parallel park. But here are some irrational fears I have that may - or may not - entertain you, I fear:
  1. I'll get a call from a friend saying she saw me on TV in one of those news clip videos showing obese people from the neck down.
  2. Someone might steal my ancient red car (dubbed "Big Red") that is held together with red duct tape and prayers.
  3. The next time someone texting walks into me as I walk up the street I may lose my temper and shove them into oncoming traffic.
  4. On Pinterest, a "Colon Cleanse in 3 Days" pin that I want to save might show up in a public post rather than my private folder.
  5. Hilary Clinton becomes president and Bill Clinton, as First Man (?) picks out a hideous China dish pattern for the White House.
  6. When taking up art, I find my cat snickering at me behind my back at my attempts to paint.
  7. People will think this list of 17 fears are in order from most feared to least feared.
  8. The song Disco Duck will be redone by a popular artist, will be a hit and receive frequent airplay on the radio.
  9. Pat Robertson will live to be 150.
  10. I find out that my neighbor (who likes to hold long conversations with me when I’m in a hurry) and I were celebrity and paparazzi in a previous life.  I am forever doomed to repeat the situation in various forms throughout my next lives.
  11. I will only come up with 16 irrational fears.
  12. I get a self driving car but it is programmed in dieter's mode, refusing to stop at all Dunkin' Donuts, bakeries, and fast food places.
  13. When it becomes necessary for me to go in a nursing home, my roommate will be a senile woman who sings the song Muskrat Love all day.
  14. Because of the pro-breastfeeding-in-public movement, I will be forced to buy a life-like doll to hang off my breasts in public places to show my solidarity.
  15. My ship will come in and not only will I be at the airport but I will be pulled aside for the "deluxe" cavity search.
  16. Trump becomes president, World War III begins, and I am forced into doing unsavory activities in order to secure coffee and chocolate.
  17. Hillary Clinton becomes president. Mandatory uniform for all women over 50: pants suits.